The Rose's Thorns
by NoWindForThisHole
Summary: Greg's first date with Rose, the woman of his dreams, is approaching. Can he overcome his own insecurities for the sake of his one true love? Will it affect his relationship with the rest of the Crystal Gems? Is the romance between human and alien even feasible? Only the future knows.


The only thing a mirror cannot reflect perfectly is the one who looks into it. Greg sucked in his gut and rubbed his chin nervously. He had to look perfect for Rose, for their first real date. Maybe he should wear something a little bigger to hide his figure. Maybe some taller shoes to stand up to her height a little better. Would she care? No, she couldn't mind. She wouldn't have standards for humans, would she…? No. Of course not. It was fine. He was fine, he could do this. After all, a body doesn't make a man. What really counts is what's on the inside.

Amethyst opened the door without knocking. "Hey, gnat-dick, mind if I take a dump in here?"

Greg's self-esteem immediately plummeted to zero. Amethyst ignored his cries and kept walking along. "So do you have any toilet paper, or is your ass as dirty as your stomach is fat? You are fat, Greg. I am insulting your weight. Feel bad about your weight, Greg."

"How did you even get in my van?" Greg demanded.

"I opened the door," Amethyst sarcastically remarked as she blasted her green feces all over the windshield.

"Damn it, Amethyst," said Greg. "Do you know how much money I put into this van on a weekly basis? Do you know where I live? _It's this van_. Find somewhere else to shit."

Amethyst huffed the gasoline from the van. "Garnet doesn't let me use the one in the cave anymore because I kept picking it up with my hands and putting it on the warp pad. I think that's why the homeworld won't return any of our calls. Also Pearl told me to stop trying to contact the homeworld. What a wrench."

Greg was confused and sad, like usual. "Aw, come on, Amethyst, Pearl's just a little out there sometimes. You gotta learn some RESPECT, kiddo" Greg said, throwing a fist out to the side to make a point. But unfortunately, his fist made contact with one of Rose's many boobs. Rose responded by punching Amethyst in the boob, who responded by punching Greg in the boob.

Rose giggled. "You humans and your greeting system." Greg forced a laugh out of his punctured lung. He didn't want Rose to worry. "So where were we going again?"

Greg thought. "Well, there are three restaurants in town, but one of them only serves donuts and one of them has Ronaldo in it, so that leaves the pizza place."

"I'll shapeshift a digestive system just for you, Greg." Rose then belched continuously for three minutes, which only barely covered up the horrific squelching sounds emanating from her torso. She tapped herself on what could now be called her stomach two times. "All done. Let's get some nutritional intake."

Greg took out his wallet, filled with mostly unpaid bills and stained photos of Rose, and pulled out a coupon. "I have this coupon for 3% off any pizza for a party of 3, if we can find someone else to go."

Rose looked the coupon over. "Amethy-" she started to suggest.

"NO," Greg immediately shouted.

Rose racked her brain for other options. "Uh… we could bring Pearl, maybe?"

Pearl's head shot up out of one of Rose's hair tubes. "Yes! I wouldn't eat nearly as much as you, Greg."

"Oh yeah!" Greg remembered, slapping himself. "I always forget that you Christmas Gems don't need food to grow big and strong."

Pearl looked Greg up and down, and then down again. "You've certainly grown _big_."

Greg forced a chuckle and tried to suck air back into his lung to pop it back into place. Rose laughed at him as she thought he was trying to be funny. He needed a hospital.

"Rose, did you think about how we're going to get to this restaurant? It seems like quite the walk, and I'm not sure I would trust Greg with any sort of machinery." She scooted up to the large pink woman, taking a deep snort of her flowery odor mixed with what smelled like carrion. Her pants were moist. "We could always fuse and walk there, it'd be much faster."

Rose was stumped. "How would that be any more convenient?" But Pearl was already forcibly shaking Rose's limbs while rolling around on the ground.

"Don't! Fuse!" Greg interjected. He knew how hot their fusion became, and he was all out of weak, generic-brand viagra. He grabbed Pearl's beak and filled her eyes with sand.

Pearl fell to her knees and screamed in pain. "I can't fucking see, why would you do this?"

Rose held Pearl's eyes open and spit in them. "Suck it up, dork, we have a reservation. We need to make our way to Pizza-Pizza."

Greg corrected her, "It's called Fish Stew Pizza." Rose didn't care.

Rose whistled so sharply that Pearl shapeshifted away her eardrums for protection. Blind and deaf on the ground, she did not notice the pink steed that fell off of the nearest rock.

"What the fuck?" Greg gasped. "Where the fuck did you fucking get this fucking lion? Isn't that illegal?"

Rose chuckled. "Oh, Greeg. Nothing's illegal when you're 9 feet tall and immune to gunfire. Let's go to Pizza-Pizza." Greg and Rose rode off into the city while Pearl stumbled after them, still clutching her burning eyes and screaming.

Kofi Pizza stood in the doorway, arms crossed and ready to rumble. Greg nervously walked up to him to ask for a table for three. "Three diners," Greg stuttered.

Kofi let out an exaggerated sigh. "What the hell are you trying to pull here? I only see two people, not three people. What, you want to bring that filthy animal into my business? Hell no. There's only one thing you could be bringing that lion in here for, and that's fresh meat. Are you trying to bribe me? Did you read the fucking sign? It says 'Fish Stew Pizza,' not 'Lion Meat and Other Meat.' Get the FUCK out of my restaurant."

Greg tried to reason with him.

"And for your information," Kofi continued, "There's a five-dollar loitering fee. It goes up five dollars every minute you stand here including this minute. If you don't pay up right now I'm going to call the police."

Rose showed him the coupon stored between her cleavage.

Kofi growled. "Why didn't you just show me that at the beginning of this conversation? You've been doing nothing but wasting my goddamn time, and there's a five-dollar time-wasting fee for every five seconds you waste my time. You're up to 35 dollars right now."

Pearl rounded the bend, the debris finally free from her now-scratched-to-shit eyes. She regained her vision just in time to see the door slam in front of her. She clawed at the window, watching Greg and Rose take their seats. Her view of Rose was blocked by Greg's carpet of dirty hair. Pearl had to find a way in somehow.

Rose took up an entire booth, her head nearly hitting the ceiling. Her jutting figure pushed the table deep into Greg's stomach. "Uh, Rose, you seem… bigger than usual."

Rose laughed, shaking the table. "I made my body three times larger so that people would know we were dating."

Greg stared in silent confusion. "How would… that… what?"

Kofi strutted up to the table, menu in hand, and just stood there.

Greg turned to face him. "... Can I have a men-"

"FIVE DOLLAR MENU FEE."

Greg sighed and put his face on the table. "Yes, perfect, that sounds great."

The couple opened the one menu they could afford and looked over it together. Rose didn't know how to read English. The menu consisted of only one item, Fish Stew Pizza, listed in started 12-point Arial font at the top of the page, leaving the rest of the page and the following three pages completely blank.

Rose thought for a minute. "Small, or large, or small, or large?"

"I don't even have enough money for a large, Rose."

"Large," said Rose.

Kofi took the money out of Greg's wallet himself. "Order processing fee is five dollars. Thank you for choosing Fish Stew Pizza."

On the other side of the building, Pearl was hard at work picking the lock to the back door with her nose. "This is too taxing," Pearl said to nobody in particular. She had to get in her thinking position. She laid down on her back, put her legs behind her head, and started beating her chest to the beat of the strange rhythmic noises she was humming. She'd learned this tactic during a heated battle back in the war, where it had helped her and hindered everyone else.

Suddenly, Pearl had a moment of clarity. There was an air vent above the door, and before she could even think it through, she found herself scrambling into it. She whispered to herself, "I accept this decision I have made," immediately before plummeting through a hole in the ceiling and onto a microwave.

Kofi screeched. "Who are you and how the hell did you get in here? Who the hell do you think you are coming in here are breaking my shit? I was heating up an order in that microwave, and do you know how much that appliance cost? It was on sale at the Salvation Army and it still cost me 10 dollars. Do you have no respect for other people's property? That's it. You're paying up. That's a five-dollar breaking and entering fee, a five-dollar touching my shit fee, a five-dollar _breaking_ my shit fee, a five-dollar air vent damage fee, a five-dollar waking up grandma fee, and five dollar making Jenny shit her crib fee."

Pearl had left the room several minute ago.

"And a five dollar not listening to me fee."

Pearl walked up to the table covered in tomato sauce, asbestos, and the stench of desperation. "I'm here," she said, sidling into the seat next to Rose. One buttcheek was on the seat and the other was not. "What did I miss?" Pearl said, looking directly at Rose's face.

Rose pat Pearl on the back. "We were just talking out Greg's balding problem."

"I'm not balding!" Greg said, holding a chunk of hair. "I'm just smoothin' out."

Rose laughed at him. "These humans."

Greg forced an unsure laugh. "Those gems?"

Rose kicked Greg underneath the table. "I'm one of those," she said. "Do not test me, ape man." Greg blushed. This was the most intimate she had ever gotten.

Just as things were about to get serious, Kofi returned with the meal. He tossed the plate onto the table with little regard for aim. The pizza was in ruins, some of the pieces charred and others uncooked, and all of them filled with bits of glass and metal from the remains of the microwave. "Sorry about the low quality of this pizza. I'm going to have to give myself a bad pizza fee." He gave himself five dollars, still from Greg's wallet.

Pearl took one whiff of the mess and deemed it not safe for consumption. She raised Rose's arm and took one whiff of the musk to relieve herself. Rose used her other arm to grab a chunk of just metal and shove it in her mouth.

The pink woman wasn't familiar with digestion, so she just kept stuffing the food manually down her esophagus. "If only there was some sort of muscle for this process," Rose tried to say.

"Is this food up to your standards?" Greg asked.

Rose shrugged. "It could use more salt." She reached for the salt, then Pearl slapped her hand.

"I can put it on for you," Pearl suggested eagerly.

Rose rolled her eyes. "Pearl, this isn't that hard of a task."

"You need to conserve all the strength you can."

"It's just salt, I can put it on myself."

"But you're too important!"

"How would you even know how much I wanted?"

"I know you better than you know yourself."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Everything."

"Pearl, this is stupid."

"Please!"

"Stop."

"Why won't you just let me do this for you, Rose?"

Rose slammed both of her fists on the table and both of her feet into Greg's knees. He smiled through the good pain.

"That'll be a five-dollar noise fee," Kofi called from the kitchen.

Rose stuffed down another handful of pizza. "This food's pretty shitty," she said at last.

Greg spoke through horny gasps, "Wanna dine and dash?"

Rose removed her shoes and massaged Greg's crotch with her feet. "Oh, yes. I love when we break the law together." Pearl gnashed her teeth.

Kofi stormed onto the scene of the crime. "What the _FUCK_ did you just say you were about to do?" he boomed. The loud voice startled Rose, and she lost control of her leg. And thus ended Greg's frequent visits to the Beach City Sperm Bank.

In a panicked attempt to protect Rose, Pearl brandished her spear and stuck it into Kofi's neck. "That's what happens," Pearl threatened.

Greg's hands flew to the side of his head. "Jesus Christ, Pearl, do you have any idea how many felonies you just committed? You're going to prison, I'm going to prison, I'll have to sell the van..." He grabbed Pearl's shoulders and shook them. "I'LL HAVE TO SELL THE VAN."

Garnet broke through the window. "I knew this would happen."

"WHAT?!" Greg shouted.

"FutureVision®."

Garnet removed her hair block and pressed the rewind button on the top of her bald head. All of the problems went backwards, and Greg was but a child now. They would have to wait another 20 years before these events could transpire again. But it was worth it, because now Garnet was one retry closer to a brighter future - where she, Rose, and Pearl ended up in the best four-way ever conceived by gemkind.


End file.
